8 stages of human development

A qualified counsellor’s guide to understanding a human behaviour. 

When a child's behaviour suddenly changes, the instinct is to look for what went wrong. But sometimes, nothing went wrong. Sometimes, it's simply development doing exactly what it's supposed to do — just louder than we expected. That's what Lindsay discovered when her son Matt started falling apart at drop-off.

Lindsay is a 39-year-old working mum with a son — let’s call him Matt — who is seven. Matt likes playing football, is very social and has a natural talent for numbers/maths — so Matt’s teacher has put him into a higher maths group.

Recently, Lindsay has noticed Matt becoming uncharacteristically clingy. He’s slow in the mornings, challenging to drop off at school and doesn’t want to have sleepovers at his best friend’s house anymore. It was manageable at first, but now it is becoming demanding of Lindsay. 

Matt’s big emotions make it near impossible for her to go out and socialise right now, because it leads to Matt having a ‘meltdown’ that almost trumps the terrible twos. 

She loves her son dearly, but her patience is wearing thin and feels stuck about what to do. 

Parenting has no clear rulebook. And while we do our best to show up for our kids, sometimes the information available — although well-meaning — still feels overwhelming. 

What we need isn't another checklist. We need context.

One of my favourite frameworks to share with clients — to demystify confusion and bring clarity — is learning about the eight stages of development.  

Respected psychologist and psychoanalyst Erik Erikson developed the psychosocial development theory. It explores common growth points and challenges through various life stages, which include:

If we look at Lindsay and Matt’s situation through Erikson’s model, there are two things worth considering: where Matt is developmentally — and where Lindsay is.

Matt is trying to navigate industry vs inferiority. Meanwhile, Lindsay explores intimacy vs isolation. 

From the outside looking in, we can clearly see that the trigger was Matt’s change in maths groups — or more accurately — a new academic demand. 

He's still a smart and capable young boy. He’s just scared of something that feels out of his depth. Because, new things are daunting.

His behaviour of clinginess, though, impacts Lindsay's development. She’s yearning for quality, uninterrupted friend time but is struggling to have it because of Matt’s behaviour. 

That’s why this situation feels challenging. Two central developmental points are colliding. 

And both needs are equally valid. 

However, as parents, often we tend to place our own needs aside and focus on our kids. Then spend endless mental hours fighting off feelings of personal shame, blame or guilt. 

Fortunately, when we look honestly at a problem, we can find a potential solution. 

In this case, Lindsay needs a break. She needs support. She needs her friends. Matt’s behaviour is overwhelming, unmanageable and it is not at all a reflection on her parenting. He is a kid going through a tough life stage and he wants reassurance. As adults, going up a maths group isn’t as major as the life problems we encounter daily. However, for a seven-year-old, it’s major. 

Looking at this through a counselling lens, there are a few ways forward:

1. Matt’s teacher, the in-school counsellor and Lindsay make a plan about how to support Matt through this academic transition. Truthfully, it is a lot to demand of one person and frankly, it’s not fair to expect that either. He needs support and a few counselling sessions using an appropriate modality — i.e. sand tray, play therapy, IDT — could help to process his big feelings around pressure. 

2. Lindsay schedules regular catch-ups with her friends — and keeps it regular. Her needs are just as important as Matt’s, especially in this life stage she is going through. It's not about silently soldiering on — it's about getting support and having some fun along the way.

Thankfully, parenting isn’t a solo act. 

It’s a collaborative adventure. One we do with our kids, their teachers, our friends and whenever we need support — counsellors or therapists. 

Navigating big emotions — yours and your child's — is a lot to carry alone. If Matt's story felt familiar, know that support is closer than you think. Book a free chat with one of our counsellors.